Or, "The Rather Inaccurate Creation Myth According to the Gnostics, translated by Skippy the Gasoline Pump"

One day in the veils of chaos and light there be peeps chillun. One day Sophia's all like "Fuck you gaiz, I'mma gonna make something in my own image, and I don't need you!" So Sophia went to the swimming pool, and she did something. I dunno, but suddenly some really hideous creature came out from the pool, and it liek totally drop kicked Sophia into some magical cloud.

Then this ugly ass thing was picking it's nose, and Sophia went, "Yaldabaoth" which means "Child get your fucking ass over here, now!" (only not really) but the really ugly child thing went "I AM GOD AND THERE IS NO OTHER GOD" Sophia went "You're wrong Samael,"

And then Samael started making really stupid noises, and a bunch of things just flocked to it. Then they started to worship Samael, for some odd reason.

Then Sophia repented for creating such a fucking awful thing, and the real God forgave her, and everything was good.

Oooooh yeah!

This is what happens when I don't get my meds.